Haunted
by stephybearx
Summary: oneshot/songfic. When Olivia begins to think about the night Alex got shot, her mind tends to keep on thinking about her, causing herself more pain. AO


_Louder, louder  
The voices in my head  
Whispers taunting  
All the things you said_

I can't seem to get your voice out of my head. We were laughing and having a good time, and then bang, you're on the ground, dying and there's nothing I could do. Or so I thought. That night I tried to save you. I tried my absolute hardest. Finding out that you were dead, and then later finding out that you were alive… Why? How could you possibly do that to me? To the squad? Your words haunt me, "I am so sorry for all of this…" How can you sleep at night? All the words you've ever said to me, haunt my dreams, and haunt me on a daily basis. I guess I meant nothing to you…

_Faster the days go by and I'm still  
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here  
Time  
In the blink of an eye  
You held my hand, you held me tight_

I lay in bed for hours every single night in tears because the scene constantly runs through my mind. And then that fateful day that you came back for Connor's trial… You left without even saying goodbye. Why Alex? Why would you ever do that to me? You knew my feelings… you knew everything that went on in my head at that time. You knew about my attraction towards you, and you even confessed to your own attractions towards me! I can't believe you. God Alex, I replay everything in my head, and sometimes I can't help but wonder if this is my entire fault. What if I never told you about how I felt? Would things be easier for me if my feelings never showed?

_Now you're gone  
And I'm still crying  
Shocked, broken  
I'm dying inside_

I'm completely broken. Work has been so hectic for me and I can't let it go  
I keep asking myself why and how. How could I let myself fall so deeply for someone who I really had no chance with? Sure, she told me she was interested, but that didn't mean anything because we had a duty to help and serve people, which means we barely have an outside life. I've been in relationships, and of course none of them worked out because my head is wired to think about work first, and if anything happens, I **have** to go. Work is everything to me, and when I Alex became our ADA, it gave me even more initiative to go to work. She gave me that will power to get up every morning and head to work, and be miserable because of the work that had to be done…

_Where are you?  
I need you  
Don't leave me here on my own  
Speak to me  
Be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me_

You really need to come home soon. I never understood why you had to go into Witness Protection Program. I mean, I do understand because if you were to stay here, you probably would've been killed. Sometimes I wonder if that would've been easier. Maybe if she did stay, and we had our moment of time to be together, and then she was killed, I would still be happy that we had some time together. I can't keep living each day hoping that you are the one who is knocking on my door, or you're the person on the other end of the phone when it rings…

_Shadows linger  
Only to my eye  
I see you, I feel you  
Don't leave my side  
It's not fair  
Just when I found my world  
They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart_

Nobody knew about us… I wouldn't let anybody know because of the scrutiny and the fact that it could alter your position. We weren't lovers because we never made love, but we held each other, and we cuddled every chance we got. I think the fact that we both had someone to stay with, to feel safe with, and to feel loved, made us relish in the moment, all the moments. You would stay over my apartment for days, just laying in bed with me, talking, laughing, and flirting. We'd lie there for hours on end and just tell each other stories and become closer to one another. I never in my life thought I'd find someone that I could bare my soul to. But Alex, she was different.

_I miss you, you hurt me  
You left with a smile  
Mistaken, your sadness  
Was hiding inside  
Now all that's left  
Are the pieces to find  
The mystery you kept  
The soul behind a guise  
_  
Her smile was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. You were such a mystery to me. The moment you stepped into the precinct it was like nothing ever happened between us. I knew it had to be that way, but every time she would come in, she would sit on my desk, brush my shoulder or my hand, offer to get me coffee, and she would just do anything to get my attention and show that she acknowledged us. Of course no one ever caught onto it, but I knew Munch had his theories. Munch has his theories about everything. He always had this theory on why my relationships never worked. He said that I would never find someone for me outside of the force, that I had to date someone inside my task force, or someone who is also a cop. I always laughed at this because who would I date? Fin? He's got a lot of extra baggage that I didn't need to deal with and I definitely would not date Munch. He knew that. He always said that men weren't my style, this always made me nervous. Maybe he knew? Who knows… but I sure hope he didn't know about me and Alex.

_Why did you go?  
All these questions run through my mind  
I wish I couldn't feel at all_

_Let me be numb  
I'm starting to fall_

I still ask myself everyday if there was something I couldn't… I should've done differently. I beat myself up way too much and I don't think I deserve to do it to myself. Elliot asks me everyday what's wrong and what he can do to help, but I can't bear to tell him. He knows though, I know it. He's a smart guy, and he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I know he'd understand if I told him, but I don't want to admit it yet because I know if I do, then I have to confront the pain and the fear that you'll never come back. I know you'll come back... one day I know…

_Where are you?  
I need you  
Don't leave me here on my own  
Speak to me  
Be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me_

I need you so so much Alex, and it's not fair that you left me.  
I know you had to because of the situation, but when will I see you again?  
When will I be able to be happy again?  
I know I'll never find anyone I can open up to like I did with you

_Where are you?  
Where are you?_

Sooner or later I know you'll come back to me…

You have to…

_You were smiling_


End file.
